The Healer Read online

  ‘A bearded man is coming to save me. My shadows told me so. I thought it might be Jesus.’ Dr Brady is closer to me now. I slowly raise my tired arms to point at the wisps of his starting beard. ‘But maybe it’s you.’

  I cry a lot then. Heap out sobs and even wails. I never did that before, even when I was alone in the fields or by the river. I screamed when there, until the neighbours complained to Daddy about me. But here, with him looking at me like that, I cannot stop my tired sobbing that vomits out with more porridge from my stomach.

  He gives me something in an injection to calm me. I don’t hurt as much. It stops me crying and feeling sickly. His soft shoulder carries me gently to a bed someplace warm. The sheets are cool but smell like lavender soap. I hear him cut and rip the dress off me as he whispers to someone else about ‘finding me in this state on the side of the road’. I feel the air of the room hit my skin, but I don’t try to hide myself as everything feels like it’s going to be all right.

  I don’t want to give in to sleep and want to listen to the adult whispers instead. His wife’s voice is there in the dimly-lit room and although my eyes are almost shut, I can tell that it’s her.

  ‘I’m here, Molly,’ she says to me and sits on the bed. I wince as she holds my arm. ‘Don’t be afraid now. Your pup is in the kitchen. He should go outside but, like you, he is too small to be in the cold and dark alone.’

  It hurts like hell to move.

  ‘She’s missing teeth,’ the doctor tells her and she gasps. ‘He hit her that hard, he knocked out her little teeth. Luckily, nothing is broken but that small jaw might be fractured. She’s covered in new and old bruising. The poor little thing was like this the last time we saw her. But this is almost worse. It looks like she got a hard blow to her face and head! She’s nine at the most, Violet. Nine.’

  ‘Eight,’ I whisper as that’s how many slaps Daddy gives me. I thought Mammy made him do it; but maybe she didn’t.

  ‘This little, broken creature told me that the angels had sent her out in this state, on a freezing February night, alone on a dark road – to meet me.’ The breath of him catches in his throat and he coughs. ‘She said that a bearded man would save her. She thought it might be Jesus?’

  A hand scratches across his hairy face and chin. I can hear it.

  ‘That would break your heart, Richard. She thinks that you’ll save her. She said similar to me. She asked me if the angels sent me.’ Her whispers are far away now.

  ‘What are we going to do?’

  ‘We’ll do what we must.’

  My swollen lip doesn’t let me say much, but I try, ‘Please don’t tell Daddy.’

  I mustn’t make sense as they come closer and ask me to say it again, but I can’t.

  ‘Your father won’t know you are here for a while, Molly. Rest now, child. You must rest. We’re here and you are safe in our home, Violet Cottage. You are safe now.’

  ‘The good times are coming,’ I tell us all and feel warm fingers run through my hair.

  11

  The pill Dr Brady gives me helps the aches in my head but also seems to keep my friends away. There are no shadows to guide me and no voices in my brain. I try to hold my tongue and not let the doctor and his wife get cross. But my silence annoys them more, as they keep asking me things and sigh when I can’t answer them. I rock a bit on the hard high-backed chair and hum to clear the air around us all. Jude is a joy to see, but I can’t take him into my arms. They won’t let me. The blanket I’m wearing might fall off and my arm is in a thing the doctor called a ‘sling’.

  I watch as the lovely Violet lady cares and fusses over our baby Jude. Mammy wouldn’t like her. She’s too proper. Mammy would’ve smiled at her and then would start giving out yards about her when she wasn’t around. That was Mammy.

  Violet pulls the little new clothes onto his tiny waving arms and legs. She kisses his button nose and speaks in a funny way to him. Would Violet smile at people and then curse at their goodness when they leave? Mammy’s probably turning over in her grave to think that a woman like this has stolen her baby… our baby.

  I like to watch her all the same.

  They ignore my rocking and make eyes at each other as they eat their breakfast. I look about the room. Jude sleeps in the basket on the low, wide stool, and above him the window is tall and bright with giant trees outside. The mirror over the fireplace is as big as a window, but it’s made of shapes. There’s a sideboard with the good china in behind curved glass. Violet’s back is to it, and the floor is soft like the pictures of petals that is on it. I rub my bare toes over and over the flowers.

  ‘How are you feeling?’ Violet tries for about the fifth time and smiles at me. ‘We’d like for you to talk to us, Molly. We can help you. Your father will have to be told where you are, but if we knew what happened we might be able to help you all.’

  The thoughts of Daddy stop my feet rubbing off the floor and my rocking starts at a fair pace. I can see him be nice to the fancy Violet lady and hear him grit his teeth like he does when Aunt Bredagh is around.

  The walls of that house are making him worse every day. They throw out their badness into him. He’s changing like Mammy. Or is it that she’s gone and we’ve no-one between us any more? I pull my eyes in all directions, trying to see my protectors. But they aren’t there.

  ‘Molly!’ The doctor almost shouts. Violet gasps and I jump in the chair. ‘Time is short. Talk to us now, child. Who hurt you?’

  ‘Mammy.’ I pick at the blanket cause it’s scratchy and annoying like his questions.

  ‘Your mother is dead, don’t you understand that?’ He’s trying to keep his voice kind. ‘It must have been your father who hit you? Beat you so bad you were almost unconscious?’

  ‘Daddy loves me more than Mammy.’

  ‘Sweet Lord, help me,’ he says from the far-end of the table. ‘I told you, Violet, she doesn’t understand what love is. She’s been… Molly, do you want to go home?’

  Violet reaches out her hand to stop me from ruining her blanket. ‘Do you, Molly? Do you want to go home?’

  ‘Yes.’

  How do I tell them that there’s nowhere else for me to go? There’s no papers that they can get Daddy to sign to take me. Daddy’s going to be mad as a bag of cats as it is. Here, I can see all the nice things Jude will have. His comfortable clothes and nice sleeping basket in this beautiful home with the nice walls.

  ‘She can’t really want to go back there?’ Violet says. ‘Molly, we could try to find you…’

  But the doctor’s off his seat and saying, ‘Don’t promise things we can’t deliver. It’s not fair on her. Father Sorely was certain there was little we could do. And if she wants to go home…?’

  ‘Home to Daddy,’ I say like I did when Mammy took me the odd time to Aunt Bredagh’s. It’s then in a rush I think of Hull. Daddy will definitely drown us both, if Hull’s coming home with me, after all of this. Hull could stay with Jude. Dogs change their homes all the time. Like Jude, Hull is a puppy. He’ll not mind. ‘Hull, my dog? Can I sign papers for you to keep Hull with Jude?’

  ‘She’s clever in there after all,’ the doctor sighs, sitting in the chair next to me. He smells of soap and tobacco and his beard is clipped in tight. ‘We cannot keep the puppy, Molly. I’m sorry. But we will say to your father that we’ve brought him as a present for you and that we’ll pay for his upkeep. How is that? Hull will live with you. We’ll tell your father that you must visit here once a week to see Jude. I’ll collect you and Hull in my car and you’ll both come to dinner.’

  Violet claps her hands over and over in a quick way. She’s happy and something inside me loosens. A knot in my gut moves and lets me breathe a bit easier. My eyes are watery and my jaw aches as I smile at them both. Words come but they won’t leave my throat.

  Violet is all delighted. ‘That’s the best of plans, Richard! You clever man! We’ll be able to… Molly, we’ll know how you are and you’ll see Jude. Your father won’t have a
ny trouble,’ she mutters under her breath, ‘or cause any more of it.’

  Her words are so clear, I want to speak like her.

  ‘What do you think, Molly. Would you like that?’ the doctor asks.

  ‘Yes,’ I tell him and hear Mammy’s hand clip off the back of my head and her yelling Manners! ‘Yes. Please.’

  Violet pats the top of my head. ‘Let’s get a bath, too, before you go… Let’s get you a nice wash. I’ll try and find you some clothes. Jane O’Shea in the kitchen has had girls. We will ask her. How about that? Maybe when you come here next week, you could have another bath?’

  I think the clothes from a stranger would be better than Uncle Vincent’s Dublin clobber. I know if they make me go back to school I’ll need proper clothes.

  ‘Do you think Jude will grow up to be like Molly?’ I can hear Violet ask Richard outside the kitchen when I’m in the big tin bath. ‘I know you’ve got to see your patients, but if her father comes here, will you come back into the house and deal with him?’

  I can’t hear what the doctor says as the water moves when I do. The smooth bath is too nice to leave. I pretend to swim and Violet lets me stay ‘five more minutes’ at least five more times. I’m not good at counting, but I think it’s five. It’s only when I’m starting to worry about the tips of my fingers being washed away that I get out. They’ve gone all wrinkly.

  Violet laughs at me and tells me, ‘You must wash your hair.’

  She suds it up and almost drowns me with jugs of cold water. It is even worse than when Mammy did it. My eye smarts a lot and my jaw’s stiff but I take her hand and shake it as ‘thanks’.

  ‘You’re so welcome. You can have your weekly bath here from now on.’

  My jaw is on fire as I’m making the biggest smiles. The clothes are just the best clothes I ever did see. One even has a lace collar. I pick it to wear then and there. The under clothes are the perfect size as well and are soft as anything. I am not stuck into anything. They’re just covering me like I see on other girls in school.

  Violet tells me, ‘Twirl around now. How pretty you are.’

  I do look nice in the long mirror in the hall and I don’t look at the big bruised forehead, chin and cheek. Violet wraps my hair in a towel. It then sits on top of my head while she shows me my nice new shoes. The towel falls and makes us both laugh, but the socks are like water as I pull them on. There’s no itchy nonsense on them and I buckle my new shoes. Hull doesn’t know me for a few moments when Jane O’Shea lets him into the kitchen. Jane is the small woman who made me tea at Mammy’s wake. She looks different here in a white apron. But her brown hair and red freckles are the same. Her dark eyes cry when she sees me all dressed up. Her clean apron gets covered in her snotters but I’m too busy with Hull to worry if she’s going to be all right. He’s leaping and licking.

  The sniffing he does at my knees makes me laugh out loud. I can tell that both Violet and Jane are happy to hear it. Both look jolly and plain Jane O’Shea asks, ‘Will I make you more toast and sugary tea?’

  ‘Of course, she’d love some,’ Violet answers and she mentions some biscuits too.

  Jude’s basket is in the corner and Jane says, ‘He’s still sleeping sound. He knows he’s safe.’ This starts her crying again. I peer in at Jude and watch his chest heave and relax. A white feather floats and lands on his little chest. Reaching to take it, I whisper my healing at him and try to ease my own ills. I hold my ‘slinged’ hand in the air over him and quietly ask with every piece of strength I own that the saints and all of heaven watch over him when I cannot be here. The space around him and the women is clear and bright. These are the ‘good times’ the shadows talked of.

  The tea is the best I have ever had and the biscuits are the same. I eat every one of the fresh biscuits they leave on the plate. Then, I think that maybe they were for us all. It being too late to put them back, I just stay quiet about it.

  ‘Molly will be visiting every week, if her father agrees,’ I can hear Violet tell Jane as I check in over Jude again. He’s beyond beautiful. Hull thinks so, too, when I lift him up to look in on the miracle boy. It’s then the shadows come and urge me to tell Violet that Jude will be a ‘normal’ child.

  ‘He’s healthy, Mrs Brady. Jude will not be like me at all.’

  Violet looks grateful and Jane cries again into her apron.

  12

  Daddy is like thunder. I can feel him in the doctor’s house before I see or smell him. Father Sorely’s with him, having taken him in his car. Violet is all in a dither asking about making the men tea as Jane has gone home to her own house. I’m standing by the fancy window wanting to pull up the sash and run anywhere at all.

  ‘The child was lucky we found her,’ the priest says, coughing but refusing to sit. ‘Michael is here for her. He thought she was sleeping and he stepped out for a time. She’s not the full shillin’ as all the world knows. She ran off into the road.’

  Daddy does look glad to see me despite his anger inside. His eyes are milky in his head. He peers at me past them all. I am still his special girl. The doctor has a bad air about him but that’s cause he is angry for me. The shadows tell me to stay quiet and to wait. So I do as I’m told. The carpet flowers are nice. I can hear them all through the hands I hold over my ears.

  ‘Michael is going to get his act together now. Aren’t you Michael?’ Father Sorley almost shouts. ‘He wants to see his son an odd time, too, if you’d agree to that. He’s not a bad man and he has the child’s aunt coming to care for her.’

  The shadows chuckle and nudge each other and I snort out loud. The priest loves Aunt Bredagh cause all her sons are altar boys. He rambles on about the luck I had after being hit by a car. The doctor doesn’t say a word. Violet perches on the edge of a chair and holds his sleeve a minute as he pulls at his beard.

  ‘Molly is to visit us here every week. She will see Jude. She has also taken on a puppy and we’d like for her to bring it with her too. We both want to see Molly often, and it will be good for her to have some time with her brother.’

  I love Dr Brady there and then. He’s even better than Daddy. I want to throw my arms around his legs and tell him that he’s the best man in the world.

  Daddy grunts and nods when poked in the arm by the priest. Daddy motions to me with his head. I obey and stand nearer him as he makes his way towards the door. He mutters a, ‘Thank you and what day will ya call for Molly?’

  It’s arranged it will be a Saturday and that I might stay for the night as well. This seems to please Daddy. He’ll have more time with the drinking. His face lights up and he reaches back to shake the doctor’s hand. The doctor takes it, but his eyes are on me, as he says, ‘We love having Molly here. It’s no trouble at all. I will call for her every Saturday morning, bright and early.’

  Father Sorley mentions, ‘All girls are trouble and Molly will still have to go to Mass regardless of the house she’s in.’

  We’re all out at the car before I realise it. Hull is thrust into my arms and we get pushed into the back seat. Daddy’s in the front, his neck tight and the priest starts the engine. There’s not a word in the car. Not one. Hull barely breathes and the shadows keep me company playing with my hair and telling me that Aunt Bredagh and the boys are in the house and that I will need to be strong now.

  * * *

  I ignore the tirade Bredagh starts at when she sees me. Her hair is in a red scarf and she’s screaming that the place is full of my ‘filth’. She’s ranting about the pup and it staying in the house ‘over her dead body’. I tuck Hull into the corner of my settle-bed and turn my back on them all and pull at the dirty curtain. It’s falling down in one corner but it keeps me away from them all. Daddy’s at the dresser, I can hear the plates clatter as he leans on it. Aunt Bredagh calls for turf for the fire. There’s noise from the boys, but no-one troubles me.

  I waken to hear Bredagh suggesting, ‘They might keep her altogether? That Violet Brady is barren. And he’s a man of medicin
e? It all looks bad for them. Even a halfwit like Molly would suit them. They might knock the healing out of her once and for all.’

  Daddy’s words slur. ‘She’s got a gift so she has. She’s going to be a great woman. I know that in my soul, Bredagh. I shouldn’t have hit her. It won’t happen again. ’Twas worry and grief that took me off with them.’

  Bredagh’s not listening as she screeches to her boys to come and eat something that smells like cabbage. Hull sniffs the air but doesn’t move and neither do I. Bredagh’s shouting while battering the table with plates, forks and knives. The noise hurts my ears and my humming doesn’t clear the air of her badness. ‘Great woman, me hole!’ she screams as she pulls back the curtain and demands, ‘Get up and eat this dinner! I won’t have that Dr Brady saying that you’re neglected!’

  13

  Bredagh’s four boys don’t bother me much. They’re too busy starting their work labouring and being men. Like me, they just want to eat, sleep and stay away from the house and their mother. They are well liked in the village and it’s odd that they are blood to Bredagh. She’s a different kettle of fish altogether. Her torturing of me seems unending and she is always about the house. The settle-bed protects me from her and the badness in the walls. I curl against the wood and Hull and I protect one another.

  He doesn’t growl at her any more as I’ve had to train him not to.

  ‘I’ll poison that fucking dog,’ she said.

  I’m tired of her threats. This morning I said, ‘I’ll kill you if you do.’ I didn’t lift my head from my porridge. I know she heard me. For the rest of the day she left us be, but now I can hear her whispering to Daddy as he’s home from work and by the dresser.

  ‘Do you think she killed our Nancy? She threatened to kill me!’

  I can’t hear what Daddy’s saying, but she asks him again. ‘That one is a bad egg there, Michael. She needs to earn her keep or go to school. I can’t have her under my feet with that mutt all day, every day. I have to work to keep this house. She’s making more filth and annoying me with the sight of her.’