The Healer Read online

‘I know to stay quiet.’ I don’t like my angels trying to get my attention now, either. None of it is good enough. Nothing they all do will help me. I wish they would all just go away and fuck off!

  23

  ‘I’m not going back,’ I announce on Sunday evening. The fire is lit and Jude’s playing chess with the doctor. Violet is knitting.

  ‘I’m not going back there in the morning. I aim to stay here, please, and pay my way.’

  There’s no noise from them and the fire leaps against the hearth. Sparks fly up the chimney as the log crackles.

  ‘I suppose then that you aim to keep healing?’ Violet asks clicking her needles together. Jude’s eyes are wide and browner than any turf. His blonde hair comes from somewhere far back in time, as Mammy was dark and so was Daddy. There is no look of either of them about his features, but none of the doctor or Violet either. He may be tall, so they can claim him further, as both Richard and Violet are long and lean. Jude has a beautiful smile. He’s almost pretty, like a girl, with rounded cheeks and jaw bones. ‘You know that it isn’t right for you to be at that healing?’ Violet says when I don’t answer her.

  I stop my staring at the fire. Her own face is squinting and she looks harsher than she normally does. The doctor’s on his feet with the metal poker in his fist. He stops in his tracks too.

  ‘Richard, tell her.’

  Dr Brady doesn’t tell me anything, but goes to poke at the fire which is fine as it is.

  ‘Tell her how it isn’t right. You’re a doctor and she’s making a laughing stock of you… and it’s not right.’

  I lean forward in the soft chair towards her. ‘I cured your bleeding.’

  ‘That was just by chance. It was ready to stop. I was in such a low place then, I just thought it was something unusual. I jumped the gun. I shouldn’t have been so quick to think it was… It was going to stop anyhow.’

  The doctor coughs and pokes again at the fire, kneeling and keeping his back to us all. Jude’s watching, his air curious and his mouth open. Knowing to be quiet seems to be a trait he and I share.

  ‘I stopped your bleeding and you know it,’ I tell her. Anger rises from the pit of me, and the shadows dance in their attempts to get me to be quiet now. I haven’t listened to them for almost two days and I sure as hell am not going to start now.

  ‘You have to see that you can’t keep up the healing and stay here…’

  My heart skips and leaps and my gut goes even heavier.

  ‘I can’t stop what is true to me.’

  Violet snorts and her needles march on her lap.

  ‘How else will I earn a living?’ I ask.

  ‘Like every other young woman. You’ll do a decent day’s work until you get a fine man to keep you and not be at that nonsense.’

  The doctor’s sitting in his high-backed chair now, a hand at his beard, pulling and scratching trying to make sense of the women in the room. She sounds just like my Mammy used to. It makes me want to vomit on their flowery carpet.

  I don’t want to give in that I may have lost my gifts anyway. When that animal humped me a big part of me died. I may never be able to touch another human being ever again. I may have lost all that is good inside me.

  I can’t believe, though, that Violet has lost faith in me as well. When did she start to think this way about the healing? I never discuss my work here any more. They ask me too much about it, but has Violet always thought I was a person that hurt them?

  ‘The whole place tells the doctor that he’s no good and you’ll sort it for them. It has got to stop. Years of it now are taking their toll. They all talk about us being silly to take you in, when you’re taking Richard’s reputation and throwing it… in that river out there.’

  Richard himself is in a bad way. His air is all messed up and hers is all tight. How did I not see this or feel this before? Where has all this venom come from?

  ‘Violet, we said that we wouldn’t harm her with all of this. Violet Cottage is her safe place. Molly is happiest here. We always said she would have a home here if she needed it. We agreed.’

  ‘She can still be here but she must understand that to stay here – she can’t be at that other nonsense. It isn’t good for us.’

  ‘Molly’s gifted,’ Jude tells them. ‘She can’t stop. Even I know that.’

  ‘You know nothing of the world,’ Violet’s voice is raising higher. ‘Our Molly knows how people are. She must understand that she is damaging Richard’s reputation with her silliness.’

  Richard’s whole body is surrounded in a grey cloud, large and thick and full of annoyance.

  ‘I can’t go back there,’ I tell them all. ‘I can’t go back to hell.’

  Jude races over and throws his arms around me. ‘Course you can stay, Molly. This is your home as much as it is mine. Let her stay, Mammy, please?’

  There’s never been this harshness in Violet before. She does find it hard to give full loving gestures to anyone but Jude. I get an odd kiss that lands on my cheek and the doctor can’t get her to smile some days, but she always listens and responds to Jude with love in her heart. Always her air to me has been kind. Where has this side of her been hidden? It’s a mystery to me.

  ‘Richard, tell her what people are saying, especially this year. Tell her what you need her to do. Molly knows we care a great deal for her. Don’t you, Molly?’

  I’m not sure what I know any more. I can’t fathom what’s happening in the room, or outside it. I’m always unsure, uncertain of everyone, but here was always the same. I felt truth and justice lived between the people and the walls. Now it seems it is all a lie, or a dream.

  ‘It’s not as bad as she makes out,’ Richard’s lips say at me. ‘But there’s more talk of your abilities than mine. It’s affecting our income.’

  I know that income means money.

  ‘That’s it exactly,’ Violet says. ‘You need to know it. I don’t want to hurt you, but you are harming us.’

  ‘I think she’s got more than enough to deal with, my dear. This is not fair. Stop it all now, please.’

  Violet doesn’t stop.

  24

  Violet never was one to listen to the soft-spoken doctor. She knits on and says more and more about me being blind despite my gifts. ‘You must know that it’s all folklore and legend and that it can’t be true really? You’re playing with people’s emotions and hopes. It isn’t right to go on with it.’

  ‘She’s been hurt so much, Violet, be quiet now.’

  Jude is at my side on the floor sitting listening to it all, cradling my leg in his young arms. ‘What’s happened to you, Molly? Who hurt you?’ he asks up at me. Those brown eyes are full of goodness. ‘I wish I could heal like you do. I think it is great, no matter what they say. Who hurt you?’

  I pat his head like he was Hull and place a finger to my lips to silence his worries.

  ‘If I can stay here, I will stop the healing,’ I tell them.

  Violet stops her knitting and reaches out her hand. It touches my arm. I feel the care I always sensed for her as her skin leaves the cloth of my blouse. ‘Thank you, Molly. You’re a great girl. We’ll love having you here and we can think about a job for you as well. This is good news.’

  ‘Will your Daddy let you stay though?’ Richard asks me.

  I ignore him and the worries which are attacking me at every angle. Daddy won’t care much. I can picture Aunt Bredagh though, she’ll miss her income. Violet is a formidable woman, but she’s no match for a mad Aunt Bredagh.

  My angels play with my hair and try to soothe me. I shrug them off me. Nothing will ever be the same, no matter what they do.

  * * *

  Aunt Bredagh bangs on the front door of Violet Cottage on the dot of nine o’clock. Jane’s small body and worried freckled face comes flying into the kitchen to tell me even though I can hear Bredagh hollering for me to come out and face her.

  Violet’s standing her ground in the hall, despite knowing the doctor’s gone out first th
ing and he’s not in the surgery to the side of the house. Bredagh has lowered her tone, but I can still hear the words. ‘I’m not sure what the likes of Molly has told you. She has some imagination. She needs to come out now and get to McLaughlin’s. We’ve some people to see to there. You know yourself now, Mrs Brady. People don’t like to be kept waiting.’

  Bredagh has her hat and gloves on and her navy Sunday best skirt and jacket. There’s a new scarf around her neck and she’s got her face on; red rouge and lipstick. Seeing her in the nice surroundings, she almost looks as attractive as Mammy did. Thin and with an air of importance on her. I spy my coat on the hall stand and wonder how long it might hang there, with all of this going on.

  ‘There you are! You rascal! Mrs Brady is telling me here that you aren’t well? That you came here in a bad way? What’s the matter with ya?’

  Violet’s mouth opens but it is Jane who comes out from behind me and stands so close to Bredagh that she has to actually take two steps back. She’s nearer my coat on the hall stand. ‘Our Molly’s not well and you know why.’

  In fairness to Bredagh, she seems genuinely uncertain as to why I am still in Violet Cottage and doesn’t know what drove me here.

  ‘Vincent had his way with me and I’m not going back,’ I say to them all and my coat in the hall. ‘I can’t and won’t heal any more. He’s ruined all the goodness in me. If you want to be cross with someone – blame Vincent McCarthy!’

  I turn on my heel to go back into the kitchen. I can hear Bredagh stumble out words to defend the animal and Jane saying, ‘I know that violence like that could hinder the healing. I heard it somewhere long ago. Any sort of pain can disrupt the flow of such things.’

  There’s no talk of Vincent being an animal or a criminal. I stand around the corner and hear Bredagh, ‘Watch your husband, Mrs Brady. From when she was no size that Molly McCarthy knows how to work men. I’ve seen her with my own two eyes. She can make men fall for her charms. I’ll grant you, that it does help with the business we are at. They come back to ask for her hand in marriage and all sorts. I sometimes wonder, does she cast spells on them, or use her charms in other ways, if you catch my meaning. She may be one of my own, but I know that our Nancy, God rest her soul, had a hard time with her. Don’t feel an obligation to keep her here. That’s all I’m saying.’

  Jane is straight to my defence. ‘There’s the best heart in her. I know there’s none of that badness you speak of in her AT ALL and Mrs Brady here knows that too. Good day to you now!’

  ‘Molly will be needing to come home. There’s to be no more talk of her Uncle Vincent in that way too. Her daddy won’t be pleased, if she’s at that chat!’

  ‘It’s the first time we’ve heard her speak of such things,’ Violet says. ‘Richard feared as much, but as you say, she has him around her little finger.’

  Jane must have the door open, as there’s the smell of fresh air. ‘Good day to you now… Molly’s home is here now,’ Jane says. ‘Good day to you now.’

  The door clicks closed and all is still in the hall.

  ‘That one is one bad whore,’ Jane says. ‘How could you agree with her, about Molly?’

  ‘It’s easy for you to say such things. Molly’s not staying under your roof and affecting your family. Richard’s always had a soft spot for her, from when he came home and told me of this waif in that shack of a house and me knowing who he meant. Molly isn’t all that easy to care for. If she’s not going home, you won’t have her day and night under your roof.’

  Jane’s whispering, ‘I’ll take her home with me if that’s the issue, Mrs Brady, but you know she loves it here. This is where she feels most at home. How hurt would she be if she knew you said such things?’

  ‘I don’t mean any harm. I care a great deal for our Molly. But for years, she’s made things difficult between Richard and I. Her healing has almost driven us under. She’s only still a child herself. It’s not fair on me to blame her for any of this. But we can’t come between her and her family, either.’

  ‘Taking Jude from his family didn’t cause you to worry.’

  It’s then I hear the crack of a loud slap. I peer around the corner and see Jane holding her cheek.

  ‘I think it is time for you to leave Violet Cottage. We can’t afford you any more anyhow. I can’t have you speak to me or my guests in the way that you have. You’re getting too big for your boots. I’ll pay you for the rest of the month, but please leave now.’

  There’s tears in Jane’s eyes and her mouth hangs opens. Her eyes meet mine.

  ‘Let’s not bother Richard with all of this,’ Violet adds. ‘His health is already a worry. We’ll tell him that we’ve come to an agreement and all is fine. Is that clear?’

  I slink back behind the corner, as Jane makes her way down the hall towards me. Violet must be following her to go back into the drawing room as I can hear her say, ‘I’m sorry, Jane. But until things improve we are not able to cover your wages any more anyhow.’ The nastiness of Violet disappears into the drawing room.

  I meet Jane in the hallway and wrap my arms around her neck. She kisses my cheek and we hold each other. Our bodies telling each other we will care and love each other until the end of everything. I leave her hold and take my coat from the hall stand. Without thinking, I open the door in a fluster and run out past the fancy gate posts and call after Bredagh, ‘Wait for me. I’m coming with you.’

  25

  Bredagh is all cocksure of herself as we walk towards Collooney. She is on her bicycle but hangs back to torment me.

  ‘There’s to be no more bad chat about Vincent. If he was to hear such things, he’d go mad, and who could blame him? He gives good money to your father and that would stop if he thought you were bad-mouthing him about the place. It doesn’t pay to make the men-folk mad. You know that.’

  The trees sway and the leaves rustle off them, falling at our feet. The fields are full of ripening corn that will be cut and threshed soon.

  ‘He’s gone then?’ I ask her, as she peddles on, rabbiting about some of the people who’ll be waiting on us at McLaughlin’s.

  ‘Vincent?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I suppose he’ll be away on the train by the time we’re finished this evening.’

  The village looks nice even though I’m on fire inside. The painted shop fronts and the cleaned cobbles are familiar and calming. Some of the people walking call ‘hullo’. I know they mean to speak to me, as there’s not much liking for Aunt Bredagh. ‘Some of them bastards need a good slap,’ she mutters as we pass the butcher’s and one of the men whistles, ‘Hullo, Molly darlin’.’

  ‘That Jane O’Shea thought you’d not come with me. Did she not want you after all?’ Bredagh sneers just as we reach McLaughlin’s.

  I walk past the line of people nodding and apologising. ‘Sorry we kept you waiting.’ Bredagh props the bicycle by the door and we step inside.

  ‘Don’t answer me then,’ Bredagh says pulling on my sleeve, ‘but don’t think of flitting off to them at every turn-around. That Brady woman sees through you, you know. She doesn’t want a bit of ya. You’re stuck here with me and don’t be getting any more notions about changing the way things are.’

  Something in me snaps. I grab Bredagh’s chest. I pull her by her breast towards me and hold her firmly with my left hand and slap my right down hard onto the soft mound of flesh over her heart. ‘I’ll stop it beating,’ I spit into her face. She manages to pull away from me but the shock of what I did is between us. I slowly take off my coat. ‘Don’t annoy me again,’ I tell her as I lay my coat on the chair near the door. ‘Don’t annoy me again. I can stop your heart… like I stopped Mammy’s.’

  She’s pale as pale can be when I look at her. ‘Killed? You killed our Nancy?’ she whispers. ‘You couldn’t… you didn’t? I always thought…’

  ‘Let’s start on the people outside.’ I pull open the back door to let in the first customer of the day. There’s not a peep from Bredag
h. Her eyes poke into me when she comes in with the teapot. She’s knocked back a few whiskeys as the whiff of her is high and the colour is back to her cheeks. The harshness of her fills the room anytime she comes in and I fail in my healing quite a few times.

  ‘I’m sorry I can’t heal you today,’ I tell some of them. Other times I stay silent and pretend I can do it. I wonder am I fooling anyone? There’s too much pain in my own hands, too much confusion in my brain and hardness in my heart. In the finish I’m glad when the last person couldn’t wait on me and leaves.

  Daddy is usually perched on his stool at the bar or is hidden in the snug with Bredagh when I’m finished for the day, but neither of them are there. The corridor to the backroom is dark, but I step in the middle of each worn, orange tile, missing the cracks for fun, trying to lift the mood of me a little but it doesn’t work and I stop my folly. My shadows are annoying me but I can’t listen to them. I’ve left the door open and I see my coat on the chair ready for me to leave for the day. I can’t wait to get into the fresh air.

  Suddenly, things are not good. Vincent is in the corridor. Where did he come from? He stands there waiting on me to go through the door ahead of him. I freeze to the spot and a bad tingle goes down my spine. He winks and pulls me towards him. He stinks. There’s grime on the collar of his shirt. I clasp my eyes shut when he licks my cheek. He nibbles on my earlobe and whispers, ‘I missed you.’

  He shoves us both on the few steps into the backroom and closes the door with his foot. The thud of the door closing brings a sweat to my forehead and back. ‘There’s no dog or anyone to protect you now,’ he says, opening the top button of my blouse with both hands. I let him. I cannot move. Something makes my hand move to lean up on his jacket pocket, over where his heart is. He has my blouse open fully and whistles at my chest. He isn’t noticing that my lips are moving and that his blood is slowing down. He grips my chin and it’s then he feels weaker.